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Chapter One - Runthrough.
Sunday, January 15, 2012 @ 12:50 AM
I leaned back against my swivel chair and stared out of the window, into space. Images flashed here and there, in my head. I shook my head, in an attempt to discard the flashbacks. Why is this still happening? I thought, exhaling a sigh. Recently last year, I went through many heartbreaks and pain. I was over my ex-boyfriends, and I know that very clearly. If I weren't over them, I wouldn't have moved on to another guy. I'm not that kind of a person. Despite this, all the memories taunted me, up till this day. I feel like I have wasted my whole seventeen years of existence because of what I put myself through. I still remember the first day of my secondary school life clear as day. That didn't matter. But what DID matter was how I went about with my classmates. Being a girl from an all girl's school for all my life, you can say that I was desperate to know what falling in love and having a boyfriend was like. Being thirteen, I was still rather childish and immature. I thought it was nice, like all that I've fantasized. I was wrong. Dead wrong. It all started with this boy who sat at the same table with me in class. Curiosity picked up and I assumed that I liked that guy, and things went on like this. Time and time again, I'd get the wrong idea and "fall" for some guy. I was faced with many heartbreaks, one can say. As I was the only person who enrolled in this school from my Primary school, no one understood the situation I was in. That was when I missed my friend, Delilah. We were best friends for years and we planned to go to the same Secondary school together, but it couldn't be helped when we couldn't be in the same school. Eventually, I've earned myself a bad reputation without even realizing it. However, there was this girl who stayed by my side and became my friend. Her name is Yumi. Along with Yumi, there's another girl named Cindy. The three of us were happy and spent lots of time together. That was, senior year broke us apart. Yumi was in a different class, and I was left with Cindy. I thought it wasn't that bad, as I at least had someone with me. But no, Cindy preferred the company of Corinne. At first I tried to befriend Corinne, but I found out too late that it was of no use. No matter how hard I tried, they would always leave me behind. Well, at least I had Delilah and Yumi, I thought. The days flew past and I found myself alone everyday in class. I hated it, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. You see, I am sort of socially awkward when it comes to a group of people. I can't find the courage to mix around in groups, and the sad thing was that in senior year, everyone in my class were more or less in their own cliques. It sucked, damn it. The hardest part was seeing Cindy spend her time with Corinne, and accepting another girl, Adeline into their group. What did they have that I don't, Cindy? Am I not good enough? Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? Because you have them. I couldn't wait to graduate, and start everything anew. Also.. In the first year of being a senior, I decided not to be fooled by my "falling in love" signs. It worked at first, I stayed single for a few months. It felt great, but I felt lonely. I wanted someone to shower me with affection and make me feel like I deserve at least happiness. Because what I had been through in my junior years were bullshit. All I wanted was I guy I deserved, but I got nothing close to that. The guys I had took advantage of my feelings and I was always left broken and alone to fix the pieces. But it's okay, because I don't need shit like that from such people. And I know I'm not alone whenever I have a problem, because I have Delilah and Yumi. Despite wanting to be single, I eventually fell for a guy I've met at the beginning of the year, and he was in the same class as Yumi. His name was Leonard, and he was better than all the other guys that I've ever met or be together with. The problem was that he had given up on me long ago when I didn't express any interest in him. I pleaded to Delilah for help, and she willingly accepted my plea. Soon enough, Leonard was willing to give me a chance, and I was over the moon. The months passed by, sweeter than anything I've experienced. Of course, there were bound to be the usual lover's quarrels. With the exception that I was always the one making mistakes when it didn't seem like it, or maybe Leonard made a big fuss about certain things after some time, and I end up feeling really bad each time he got mad at me. Sometimes, I really feel that it would be better not to be with him, but how could I back out like that. If I love him, we should stick together through thick and thin, right? So I did. We were together longer than I've ever expected, and we surprised many people in school. They thought we wouldn't make it after 3 months. Obviously, there are certain things I couldn't stand, like how he was so over protective of me. I didn't mind at first, but it started to get really annoying. He was chaining me down instead of trusting me. I didn't like how he was so controlling over my actions, because I have my own right to do whatever I want as a person. Not that I would do anything to hurt him intentionally, and he shuld have known that by then. Last year, I had to attend a Church camp I was really against of. It was mainly because I thought that it was a really unnecessary procedure, and I dreaded it. I guess it was because I didn't feel any connection to God and all, although I was baptized to become a Catholic when I was young, due to a bribe my father offered. So technically, it wasn't my decision to become a Catholic, I was bribed to become one. And of course, I've taken a grudge towards that decision. Anyway, Leonard was really hesitant about the camp, because he was afraid that I would find some better guy and all. So he was all strict and all and enforced rules such as "No physical contact with other guys," and other stupid rules that I cannot remember now. Little did I realize that I've kind of became anti-Christ due to the pushing of my parents. Thus I entered the camp grumpily and unwillingly. To top it off, I was separated from my friends; Linda, Amy and Alice, like the camp itself wasn't bad enough. The hours dragged by and I couldn't wait for it to end. Surprisingly, I started to enjoy myself on the second day. It was starting to get fun. Obviously, my friends were more than happy to know that I was actually enjoying myself. I started to get more involved in my group, and soon I was laughing along like the others, happy that I was able to fit in somehow. The hours flew past and soon it was the third day. There was the usual worship sessions and some guy was invited in to talk to us about God and everything. At the end of it, he told everyone to turn around and hug people. I hugged a girl from my group, the only one girl in the group, and just stood where I was, bearing in mind about the promise I made to Leonard. Alas, a guy named Seth came over and hugged me and the other girl. "Group hug," he said. I was stunned, as I've never had such a close contact with someone besides my boyfriend and was freaking out mentally about it. I let it slide, though, thinking it wasn't exactly my fault because I didn't go around doing the hugging. You don't just reject a hug, right? I mean, come on. It's not anything that bad, and I didn't have time to react. Soon, it was night time and we had what they called a "healing session". I was really nervous and all, because there would be some kind of manifestation taking place in your body. Most people would just "faint" or break down crying, due to the inability to control the Holy Spirit which becomes activated somehow. I feared fainting, especially when I had the most embarrassing and unpleasant experience of passing out in the train. I was also very self-conscious, so I didn't want to break down and cry either. Despite feeling that, I wanted to feel something. Something minor, just to know that God is real. It wasn't before long when I stood in front of the people who were going to pray over me. As nervous as I was, I told them I wanted to pray for my family, because we were starting to drift apart. Halfway through, my eyelids couldn't stop trembling unless I opened my eyes, and they told me it was a sign of manifestation, and I was rather shocked and touched at the same time. I couldn't believe it. After all the sins that I've committed, God was still willing to forgive me and tell me not to be afraid, for he was with me, and would always be with me. That night, I was really high in spirits. Little did I know, my emotions would drop drastically very soon.. |